This is how much I love you

April 28, 2006 at 5:32 pm | Posted in First Comes Love - Then Comes... GonalF? | 22 Comments

I am borrowing someone’s laptop to post this from the convention center.

Repeat beta = 166.

U/S May 10.

What the hell do I do for the next 12 days?!?

ETA: I found one spot in my friend’s house where I can get wireless internet from her neighbor’s. Hooray, hoorah. For Allison and anyone else who was curious: Beta hcg levels refer to the hormone your body produces when it is pregnant. The initial number is supposed to double within 48 hours. Which it did. Hoorah, hooray.

Oh, and I’m having dinner with Julia on Sunday. How cool am I?


April 27, 2006 at 5:32 pm | Posted in First Comes Love - Then Comes... GonalF? | 4 Comments

I didn’t mean to go wham bam thank you maam with that last post and leave you all hanging.

But I’m actually out of town at a conference and staying at a friend’s house.

And she? Has dial up.

So I’ve been scarce in the commenting and reading of others’ blogs division.

I will try to find a moment to post tomorrow regarding the results of either ebullient joy or total devastation.

your comments and all of you rock, big time.




April 26, 2006 at 11:04 am | Posted in First Comes Love - Then Comes... GonalF? | 42 Comments

Holy Crap

Pili and I, holding hands, tiptoeing in to the bathroom to see the inevitable negative:

Me: Holy crap, I think that’s a plus sign.
Me: Do another one.
P: I only bought one.
Me: Holy crap.

Beta was 74 10dpt. Repeat beta on Friday.

I guess the third (FET) time is (cautiously optimistic, until we hear a heartbeat, until we’re out of the first trimester, until the b-word is screaming and pink in the open air) the charm.

Oh. My. God.


April 25, 2006 at 11:06 am | Posted in AdoptThis!, First Comes Love - Then Comes... GonalF?, Linky Love | 23 Comments

No, it’s not that good news. Beta is tomorrow, and I am curious, but not overly hopeful. I think I may actually have mastered the art of not giving a damn.

(um yeah. remind me of that tomorrow morning)

We’ve narrowed our choices down to three adoption agencies, and hopefully sometime in the next two weeks we will actually have the time to sit down together, make some more phone calls, and then make the final decision.

When If this cycle turns out negative, I think we will wait a month to do another frozen cycle, just to give poor Pili’s bum time to recover from all the progesterone in oil shots. Four icey little embryos still await us. But then I start thinking about the calendar, and my head starts swimming with anxiety.

Many things are up in the air at the moment and my poor head aches from juggling sixteen possible scenarios for our life over the next two years, involving timing of tenure decisions, results of said decisions, adoption/pregnancy timing (ha!), six week absences for research travel and its impact on said adoption/pregnancy timing. Oh yes, and the hope that someday I may actually find a full-time job in my field (ha!).

Oh right: yippee. Why YIPPEE?

Because… in her infinite wisdom Michele has deemed me…

Site of the Day!

For this of you visiting from Michele’s – welcome! please, come back and visit again. We promise you only the most exciting news of infertility, diabetes and feline antics here at Artificially Sweetened. For those of you not familiar with Michele – she publishes these totally addictive comment games. I’ve wasted far too much of my employers’ my time playing them and in the process gotten to “know” bloggers I probably never would have met elsewhere. So thanks, Michele!

In tomorrow’s episode: Art-sweet masters zen and the art of pregnancy tests. Or not.

Photo Funday: Dinner (and an asterix)

April 23, 2006 at 11:26 am | Posted in More than you ever wanted to know about me..., Photo Friday, Ya Gotta Eat | 18 Comments

Thank you all for choosing my shadow pictures for Photo Friday. I put probably far too much thought into these photo friday things, which is why they don’t usually show up here until saturday or sunday or even tuesday, and it feels really nice to know that people like them. There are always so many amazing and interesting images submitted, so please check out the Photo Friday pool and look at everyone’s pictures!

Pili was very grateful for this week’s topic: What I ate for dinner

A few words of explanation.

I like to cook.
I especially like to bake.
I spent two summers working as a cook.
I am incapable of making a small amount of anything.

Whenever I cook, we wind up with enough food to feed a frat house. Leftovers for lunch, dinner, breakfast, lunch, dinner…

This also means that whenever I cook, it’s a big production.

Which means that Pili, wonderful wonderous Pili, is the primary cook in our house, when it comes to everyday meals.

But this topic required me to cook.

I made these for dinner and these for dessert. And a good time was had by all. (And will continue to be had for the next week). And Pili made a beautiful salad too!

Black bean and sweet potato enchildas with mole sauce

The sweet potatos, all mushed up and ready to go in the enchiladas

Sweet Potato

Mole sauce in the making


The whole enchilada

the whole enchilada

Yummy salad with mesclun, stilton, and pears


The lemon ginger bars

lemon-ginger bars


Because how do you segue gracefully from mole to miscarriage?

I’m so grateful for your comments on the previous post.

Your confidence, faith, and support mean more than I can say.

Heavy Thoughts

April 20, 2006 at 10:23 am | Posted in First Comes Love - Then Comes... GonalF? | 18 Comments

Reading the recent posts by Sandra, Julia, and Julia – and their comments – I’ve been overwhelmed by anxiety.

What if we succeed? We see the two lines, the plus sign, the positive beta, the heartbeat on the ultrasound, Pili worshipping the porcelain god morning noon and night… only to end in sorrow? Reading these posts, it seems like miscarriage happens more often than it doesn’t.

Would that be worse than never getting pregnant at all?

Then I’m filled with remorse and shame. How horrible am I that I read these stories and the first thought that jumps to my mind is ME ME ME US US US?

My friends, I am so sorry. Sorry that you have been through this pain, and sorry that I am not a better person to help you deal with it.

ETA: I might take this down. Seeing it on my blog is making me very nervous, like even voicing the thought might bring the evil eye down upon my head. Kenahorah. I really am my mother’s daughter. Am I ridiculous, or am I just pathetic?

Important Life Lessons

April 19, 2006 at 11:18 am | Posted in Meows | 7 Comments

When you’re running late for work…

and you can’t find your glasses.


Always remember

to check


the cat.

Perhaps I should start a website called “stuff under my cat”?

In the meantime, stuff on my cat is always good for a laugh on a slow day at work.

Diadoofus Lunch

April 18, 2006 at 1:43 pm | Posted in The Sweet Life | 6 Comments

I had already torn the lid off my yogurt and reheated my ten-thousandth bowl of matzah ball soup.

A cup of coffee and today’s NY Times crossword awaited me.

I was very hungry.

I reached into my bag and pulled out my meter.

Then I remembered. Taking the last strip out of the bottle of test strips this morning. Saying to myself: must remember to grab new bottle of strips

Did not remember. Strips are an hour and some away at home.

I bolused for the meal, and revised my plan for the day: go directly home after work instead of going to the gym.


Photo Freusday: Shadows

April 18, 2006 at 12:22 pm | Posted in Photo Friday | 1 Comment

This topic was a lot of fun.

Then again, anything that gives me an excuse to waste an hour looking through all my pictures is a lot of fun in my book.

Houseboat Shadows Shadows on the wall of our rented houseboat in Kerala
Soldiers drilling in the forbidden city. If you look closely, even their hats have shadows!
Five Rathas I like the way the old man and the shadow seem to be interacting.
shadow self portrait
A little closer to home. My shadowy self, in my garden. Look at the daffodils!

FET #3: Or, meet Tooty and Fruity

April 17, 2006 at 6:06 pm | Posted in First Comes Love - Then Comes... GonalF?, We are Family | 12 Comments

Otherwise known as embryos one & two.

Smoothly transferred into Pili’s womb this afternoon.

In the waiting room afterwards, I fussed with the coffee machine as a pretext whilst shamelessly ogling eyeing another lesbian couple sitting side by side in the oh-so-tasteful mission furniture, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes.

Should I break the sacred waiting room code of silence? This is Small City, and there aren’t that many of us around. On the other hand… look at how lovey-dovey they are. They’re either brand new here or they’re here for a let’s hear the baby’s heartbeat ultrasound. In which case I may go out of my head with jealousy will be very very happy for them.

I finally decided that I had to break the code of silence, if only so that they wouldn’t interpret my one-cup-coffee-machine-fiddling-blatent-staring as a straight woman giving them the hairy eyeball. While it can take a long time to choose between french roast and earl grey, five minutes is probably pushing it, no?

The unpardonable thing? In a fertility clinic, the only decaf option was chamomile. Blech.

So, how long have you guys been coming here?

Oh, this is our first visit. We’re just here for a consultation with Dr. SBS. (oh crap. you do not want to talk to me) How about you?

Well, um, we’ve been here for a while. I’m just waiting for my partner. We actually wound up doing IVF, my eggs, her uterus…

Oh wow! How great. We’re still trying to decide who goes first!

Um, yeah. It’s great if it works. (Pili emerges) Well, good luck to you. See you again, maybe.

I am trying to welcome these embryos with sweetness and light, to convince them that they would like to stay put for a while. I held my hand over Pili’s stomach for a minute and tried to think only cheerful happy smiling family thoughts.

I have absolutely no expectation that this will work, and yet I can’t help hoping that I will be surprised.

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