I guess it could be worse

April 5, 2006 at 8:47 pm | Posted in Bringing Home the Bacon, The Other D (Better Living Through Chemistry) | 16 Comments

I’m trying to be upbeat. Really I am. I am so proud of all of you for all your proud things big and small. And in the meantime, I’m kind of um, losing it. I never thought I would post an IM conversation on my blog because well, I usually get bored reading other people’s IMs. But I had this conversation today with my friend – my soul_brother I will call him – because if I had a brother, he would be him. And it just pretty much sums up where I’m at.

soul_brother: I’ve been reading your blog sporadically. I’m sorry to hear the latest round didn’t take.
soul_brother: What’s the next stage, if you know?
art-sweet: Well, we still have six icicles left, but…
art-sweet: looking seriously into guatemala adoption
soul_brother: right on
art-sweet: so, are you moving to ny?

(conversation about SB’s several fabulous job offers ensues)

soul_brother: And you? Are you moving to SMALL TOWN?
art-sweet: Dunno
art-sweet: I had an in-person interview last week that I thought went pretty well, but he said he would be in touch friday or monday and I haven’t heard anything.

(update follows this conversation)

art-sweet: Frankly I’m feeling pretty crappy and hopeless these days.
art-sweet: Not very good company I’m afraid
soul_brother: I’m sorry to hear that. I mean, I kinda guessed from the tone on your blog, but still.
soul_brother: But it sounded as though you had changed your mind about that job, as if maybe you were still interested in it, despite your earlier anxiety.
art-sweet: Y’know it’s not my dream job. But it sounds challenging and interesting and even if I only did it for a year or two my resume would look a hell of a lot better than it does now
art-sweet: yeah, I dunno.
art-sweet: I hate that I have a hard time being happy for other people
art-sweet: but honestly I just look at other people’s success and all I see is my failure
soul_brother: I, too, am prone to that self-defeating trap.
art-sweet: I keep trying to convince myself that I won’t be upset if I don’t get it b/c it’s not my dream job
art-sweet: But in reality I know that it will just feel like another message to me from the universe that I suck
soul_brother: hm
art-sweet: yeah. that’s kind of the general mood of things.
soul_brother: you don’t suck, though. I mean, really, you very much don’t. I know that when you’re feeling that way, it’s hard to believe encouraging words from others, much as you might want to — but they’re sincerely meant.

(this is why I love him)

art-sweet: y’know, I try to tell myself that.
art-sweet: But all evidence seems to point decidedly to the contrary.
art-sweet: Remember that big flashing arrow on the mission in the south loop?
art-sweet: I feel like there’s that big flashing arrow
art-sweet: and it’s pointing straight to
art-sweet: YOU SUCK
soul_brother: ouch
art-sweet: and I’m trying really hard to look in the other direction and convince myself that’s not the case.
art-sweet: and days like today, well.

(discussion about a family friend who has been behaving badly ensues)

art-sweet: Pili and I have been doing pretty well through all this stress
art-sweet: I think that’s the one thing in my life that’s working right now
soul_brother: I’m glad to hear that. What’s the origin of “Pili”?
art-sweet: Partner I Love Intensely
soul_brother: oh, nice. that’s sticky-sweet
art-sweet: yeah, I decided PWFAL was too hard to pronounce
art-sweet: Partner Who Farts a Lot
soul_brother: that’s probably for the best
soul_brother: btw, in the spirit of “everyone else is successful but me”, I envy the strength and quality of your relationship
art-sweet: y’know, I realized the minute I hit enter that I was probably rubbing some salt into tender spots of your own. I wish… there ought to be enough happiness and love and good job juju to go around for everyone. Or at least for both of us.

ETA: and everyone else reading this

art-sweet: You totally deserve love.
soul_brother: Thank you; and you totally deserve a good, fulfilling job. Wanna trade?
art-sweet: hmmm….
art-sweet: when you put it that way…
art-sweet: good reminder for me to count what blessings I’ve got.
soul_brother: right on

(Single straight girls: I will screen applications for him.)

Update: About five minutes after I got home the phone rang and it was (thanks, caller ID) JOB.

I stopped breathing and let the voicemail answer – because I was afraid I would start blubbering for like, the fifth time today. Then I started panicking and hyperventilating every time I went to dial the voice mail number. Pili’s away at a conference, and I couldn’t stand the thought of hearing bad news by myself.

I called my friend and she came over and sat with me and fed me small sips of cold water and dialed the phone for me and let me make her late for her meeting while I blubbered all over her. And then the message was vague. I did call him back and it’s neither good nor bad. People have been traveling. They need time. They will let me know Monday.

This is almost as bad as waiting for a fucking beta result.

If you are still reading at this point, you deserve a medal.

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16 Comments »

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  1. I read all the way through, my friend. 🙂

    I am crossing every crossable I have (which included quickly braiding my hair) in hopes that you get the job.

    Good luck!

  2. I too read all the way through..

    You deserve this job and other happiness as well.
    Even if you can’t say the positive mantra for yourself I am doing it for you.
    Keep your chin up!

  3. Holy.

    I too feel like there is a certain amount of good and if I have a little I don’t deserve more. It sucks. And wanting and not having a baby is the worst kind of unrequited love…

    And job stuff for me goes right to the core of my worth as a person. That is why I REALLY need a job, but have not loked for one. I feel like I just can’t handle it on top of TTC.

  4. Oh, Art-Sweet, I wish I could hug you. I feel the same way about the universe speaking to me…I just KNOW it isn’t true about you, but I wouldn’t believe it if you told me it wasn’t true about me. We humans are strange creatures.

  5. (((art-sweet)))

    I think the big flashing arrow is pointing to a sign saying:

    “IT’S GOING TO GET BETTER SOON. JUST HANG IN THERE.”

    Fingers crossed for Monday!

  6. Hi Art–I too read all the way through and you have a great friend in Soul Brother (and honestly, I’ve got plenty of single galpals in NYC, so we should talk).

    I love the acronym explanation for Pili and it sounds like your relationship is the source of a lot of joy and strength. Good luck on Monday with the job news.

  7. I hear you loud and clear. Some days I wonder why things are the way they are for me or why things aren’t better… I also see my friends and some of my family members and it seems like things just come so easy for them. For me, that’s never been the case. I’ve always felt like I’ve really had to struggle on this journey called life and it does suck at times.

    Saying that, I think a person’s life is ultimately in that person’s hands. I’ve been afraid to take chances and try new things that could possibly enhance or make my life richer and more complete. Unfortunately, my fear gets in the way too often…and then I wonder why things aren’t different. Sometimes you just have to push yourself to do things, even if it isn’t easy or in your comfort zone to do. I don’t know if I am totally going off on a completely different tangent, but just thought I’d share my feelings on this.

    Anyway, I think that although some things aren’t as you may want them, you have a lot of good things happening in your life right now too. It’s important to remember that and not get too stuck on the negative.

    You have a good relationship, you are managing your Diabetes well, and you are doing the best you can. A good job is important, but even if this one doesn’t work out, there will be other things…

    Best of luck! 🙂

    ~~btw…your soul brother sounds like a true friend. I’d go for it myself, lol, but I’m kind of a “chaotic mess” (for those who understand that reference)and I’m not sure anyone should be subjected to my chaos at the moment. I don’t think he’ll have too much of a problem finding someone, though- he sounds like a good catch 🙂

  8. Oh, so Pili is an acronym. I thought it was a real name. Very clever 🙂

  9. *virtually throwing rocks at the big flashing sign*

    You don’t suck. Not even a little.

    Also crossing everything (which will make it tough to type, but I shall persevere) that you get the job.

    I love what Pili stands for. I thought it stood for Pilar.

  10. {{hugs}} You are so blessed to have a friend like him. I can see why you call him your soul-brother.

    Keeping it all crossed for you that things work out the way you want them to.

  11. good luck on monday, Artsweet.

    I love the PILI acronym, BTW.

    And yes, I also made it all the way through the narrative. It was riveting.

  12. I am hoping the best for you and PILI…..of course we are still reading you are brilliant and deserve the best!

  13. I know the misery of the waiting game all too well. That so sucks that you have been put off through the weekend, but cool that there is still hope. Hang in there, I can’t wait to hear if you get a plus sign on the job.

  14. “art-sweet: Frankly I’m feeling pretty crappy and hopeless these days.” Ditto. My therapist has even suggusted a higher dose of ahppy pills. Great. Remember it is just a rough patch and this too shall pass.
    “art-sweet: Y’know it’s not my dream job. But it sounds challenging and interesting and even if I only did it for a year or two my resume would look a hell of a lot better than it does now”
    I just interviewed for a job like that on Wed. I’m not even sure that I could actually do all that is required or for that matter want to but I am just so burned out on my current position (not to mention down in the dumpos)that it seems anything would be an improvement

  15. (((Hugs)))

    Seems to me you’ll be giving out a lot of medals…

    So sorry they’re making you wait til Monday.

    Damn.

    I’ll be waiting, too– and keeping everything I can possibly cross, crossed.

    Oh yeah, and soul_brother– Rocks.

  16. I hope things look up for you soon. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now.


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