Heavy Thoughts

April 20, 2006 at 10:23 am | Posted in First Comes Love - Then Comes... GonalF? | 18 Comments

Reading the recent posts by Sandra, Julia, and Julia – and their comments – I’ve been overwhelmed by anxiety.

What if we succeed? We see the two lines, the plus sign, the positive beta, the heartbeat on the ultrasound, Pili worshipping the porcelain god morning noon and night… only to end in sorrow? Reading these posts, it seems like miscarriage happens more often than it doesn’t.

Would that be worse than never getting pregnant at all?

Then I’m filled with remorse and shame. How horrible am I that I read these stories and the first thought that jumps to my mind is ME ME ME US US US?

My friends, I am so sorry. Sorry that you have been through this pain, and sorry that I am not a better person to help you deal with it.

ETA: I might take this down. Seeing it on my blog is making me very nervous, like even voicing the thought might bring the evil eye down upon my head. Kenahorah. I really am my mother’s daughter. Am I ridiculous, or am I just pathetic?


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  1. Don’t take this post down. You feel what you feel…don’t apologize for it.

    I had my miscarriage 3 months before I conceived Brendon. I was blessed so soon after tragedy.

    You and Pili will have your time whether it’s through IV or adoption if you so choose.

    You’re human, you love someone wonderful, and you both want a baby to pull together that love. How could you not yearn for something so elusive? When you both have that baby, I can’t imagine he/she being loved more.

  2. I can’t think of a better way to put it than what Shannon said. We all ache when we hear these stories. And its so hard NOT to play ‘what if it happens to ME/US’. And I don’t think that those of us that have not experienced such tragedy quite know how to process all those feelings.

  3. Please don’t pull it down. Its honest feelings, your feelings. I see nothing wrong with them at all. {hugs} When we hear of sad/upsetting/scary news I think its only natural to think of ourselves first, and to worry about how it will affect/can affect ourself. I think that without internalizing something, you honestly can’t offer anyone support.

  4. No, no, no, don’t pull it down. I felt bad about posting what I did, too, but it’s how I’m feeling right now. You have every right to feel how you’re feeling. It’s all scary; trying to get pregnant, being pregnant.

    I think it’s human and normal to show those feelings. And I don’t think they’re selfish, I think it’s how most people empathize, by being able to say “What if it was me?” If you cant’ imagine how someone else feels, even a little bit, then you have no way to relate to them and that’s no way to live.

  5. I’m not thinking about having a baby, now or even in the near distant future, but I completely sympathize with your nervousness about having children. I decided way before I needed to that I was going to adopt, and these miscarriage stories seem to validate that decision.

    I think the most important thing to remember is there is a child out there somewhere (either an invitro tube, another country or in spirit) that is just waiting to come home.

    You’re going to be an awesome Mom (and so it Pili). So full of love.

  6. It’s very raw and honest.

    And you’re not alone.

    Having PCOS/IR/Homozygous MTHFR…I sometimes think “IF I somehow manage to get pregnant, can I deal with the (in my mind) likelyhood that I’m going to lose it?”

    Answer? I don’t know.

    I hope that neither one of us has to deal with this pain.

    And I hurt in my chest for those who have.

  7. No, you aren’t alone. I understand why you would want to take it down though– Kenahorah– If you succeed, you just take it as it goes and we’ll be with you, the way you are there for others.

  8. I think it’s only natural to hear about these kinds of tragedies and reflect inward, wondering how you could ever deal with them yourself. It’s a realistic thing to wonder about, and it shows that you’re being thoughtful about your friends, and cautious for yourself, instead of just glossing over someone else’s story of pain and shrugging it off as an anomoly.

    It’s only natural to fear those stories, because there is no sense in them. The fact that they are so random, so unavoidable, makes them so much more scary. Their very nature makes them worth shivering about, so I don’t think you should delete this post. If getting it out there helps you deal with the anxiety, then it’s a good thing to have written.

  9. You had the question of would it be worse to have the miscarriage or to not be able to conceive at all. When I was going through my miscarriages my best friend was having her dealings with infertility. We talked a lot about both sides of it. We came to the conclusion that they are both horrid. She had such a yearning to have success in creating this little miracle and when it would not happen she felt like she was cheated and not whole. She had no control over something that seemed to come so easy to others and she admitted to being quite jealous that I could get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I felt like I was being punished and my babies were the ones paying the ultimate price. I had no control over protecting these little beings from their fates and so I felt that I had failed as a mom. We both agreed to feeling grief from the loss, frustration in both processes and ultimately like failures as women. But hold on to hope because I ended up with three living children and three angels waiting for me. She ended up with her Boy and Girl that she always dreamed of, no miscarriages. The difference comes now though, because she remembers her struggle but got what she wanted. I remember my struggle and miss daily the children I never got to hold other than in my heart.

    I hope this helped in some way and holds some kind of hope for you that she did the things you are doing and never had a miscarriage.
    PS you are both going to make great moms.

  10. I appreciate your honesty, and I think we all have had similar thoughts when we see other people’s tragedies unfold. “What if that were me? How would I bear it?” I agree with Julia that these thoughts actually are necessary for empathy, and I can tell that you feel for people who are suffering through miscarriages.

    As for whether a miscarriage or infertility is worse, I think that they are just different sides of the same sad coin. Ultimately, they both involve the pain of wanting a child and not being able to have one.

    On a brighter note, I just wanted to add that I wish you all the best!

  11. I think that’s called “empathy,” actually, not “selfishness.” And those are fears that beset all women who are chasing motherhood. Even those of us who have no rational reason to fear it, do.

  12. The truth I have come upon in my own journey is that no choice you make will make complete sense until it results in becoming a parent. You can’t turn back if you get pregnant, you can’t bail from IVF until you are ready, you may end up with issues even after the birth of a child. And there are just as many what if’s in adoption, babies die during waits for their families, expectant mothers decide not to become birth mothers after al, children advertised as nonspecial needs turn out to be very special needs, children advertised as very special needs sometimes turn out to be completely normall.

    TTC, TTA, it’s all a very painful rollar coaster and crap shoot. But giving up is not an option unless you decide it is.

    One of the challenges of blogging interactively is not knowing how to balance wanting to be sensitive to everyone else’s stage in the journey and how much to keep track of our own authentic, legitimate feelings on our own blogs.

    I think as long as you are using those tried-n-true “I” statements, and handle others’ comments sections with care, you are on the right track. I don’t read your comments on other blogs, but I do see plenty of authenticity and sensitivity in your blog.

  13. I hear you on the kenahorah and if you decide to take it down I wouldn’t blame you. Just letting you know that we all had the same thoughts and for me if I put it out there it loses its baig bad secret fear mojo and it helps to let it all out. We are accursed with TMI at times from all of our blogging and boarding and chatting just as much as we are so blessed to have found each other.

  14. Don’t take this post down – it’s important to you, and to others. Just because some of us have suffered a loss doesn’t mean that you can’t acknowlegde your fear. It happens…it’s scary, and there’s always fear and hope. You hear it happening to others and are thankful it’s not you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    I have been there. After a year of trying, we got pregnant, only to miscarry 7-8 weeks along. I fought with the hospital, as they said I wasn’t and it was just a bad period. The positive results came back from the clinic 2 days afterwards. But I tried again. And succeeded. And succeeded again 3 years later. Worth all the worry and fear.

  15. Wow. I haven’t a word to say … I’ve never been in these shoes before…just Hi and that I’m here from Michele’s.

    although…they’re right though, about not taking the post down…

  16. It’s natural to be scared. I’ve had a miscarriage. It sucks, but you survive.

    Sometimes there is such a thing as too much information. Just follow your heart and remember that people have babies every day and the majority of them are perfect. And yours will be because it will be yours. And Pili’s.

    Hi – Michele sent me today.

  17. What everyone else said.

    We feel what we feel, and who among us didn’t first find our way to each others blogs, at least originally, because we were looking for someone else who was going through, or went through, something we were either dealing with or anticipating?

    And what I was looking for was the honest feelings and experiences of other people. The places where people write that way are the places I bookmark.

  18. My friend Julie just got pregnant and is worried about miscarriage. It does happen, it happened to me, 12 weeks in. But, they are uncommon, and the odds that it would happen aren’t huge.

    Having experienced a miscarriage, though, there was very little I could say to reassure her other than, “they’re uncommon,” because you just never know.

    But, like your first commenter, 3 months after having my miscarriage, I got pregnant with my daughter and went on to have two very healthy, and very normal, pregnancies.

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