Five stages of grief

May 17, 2006 at 10:27 am | Posted in First Comes Love - Then Comes... GonalF? | 47 Comments

Denial:

That’s not an empty sac. She just must not have found it yet.

Anger:

At the smiling lady who held the door for us as we left the clinic.

At the ad for the new maternity suites at the local hospital that I passed on the highway afterwards.

At the book on tape I’m listening to, which happens to be a story about a pregnant teenager.

At the bubbly people on the stupid lesbian TTC list I still read out of some sort of masochistic streak who post their expected due dates and talk about names the minute they see a positive pee stick – and who don’t get smacked down by g-d for their hubris.

At myself, for getting my hopes up and for even mentioning it to people and for imagining how I was going to send my mother a copy of the ultrasound with my wishes for a happy belated grandmother’s day and how I was going to post it here with a title “meet tootie”. I should have known better. Good things do not happen to me. And now I get to disappoint my family once again.

At the homeless guy who held up traffic when I was just trying to get here to work.

At my straight friend who just started trying and was going on about how inconvenient it will be if she doesn’t get pregnant this cycle.

Bargaining:

What’s to bargain about? Dear god, I know that it took us 1 fresh cycle and 3 FETs to get to this point, but if I give up taking your name in vain will you actually give us a real baby out of our four remaining embryos? If I hadn’t picked up that damn fit pregnancy magazine at the gym, would today have been different?

Depression:

Check.

Acceptance:

Do I have a fucking choice?

Like I said: Reality is the sand blowing into every crack of the traveller’s skin, the hot wind stealing what moisture remains from his eyes…

Pili urges me not to see this as part of some greater global narrative in which the overall message is YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK. But I can’t really see any alternative narratives.

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47 Comments »

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  1. No, no, no, NO. Oh, I can’t even express how sorry I am about this. My heart is hurting for you and Pili.

  2. Oh no, oh sweetie. I’m sorry. I’m just sorry. I don’t know what else I can say that would make things better. Love to you both.

  3. I am so, so sorry.

  4. Sending long-distance hugs.

    What awful, crushing news.

  5. Aw shit, I’m so sorry.

  6. I’m so sorry. So very sorry.

  7. Shit, shit, shit!!!!! As I read yoru post I began crying at the injustice and senselessness of it… I see girls every day who are so unfit to be mothers that it is not even funny…

    Please try not to be so hard on yourself – you are only human.

    xo, Melissa
    Yes, I do think we were seperated at birth

  8. Oh I am so very, very sorry for you and Pili.

  9. A sad day. My thoughts are with you both. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

  10. Oh God. I am so sorry.

    Dammit!!

    I’m crying for the both of you.

    Just can’t believe it.

    Wish there were some way to make this easier for you, but I know that there isn’t.
    It’s just devastating.

    My thoughts are with you.

  11. I join the throng. So, so, so, so, so sorry. (One for each stage of grief.)

  12. OH, hon. I am so sorry. Just so sorry.

  13. No! As soon as I saw the title… I am so sorry, Art-sweet. For you and Pili.

  14. I am so, so sorry.

  15. Thinking of you and Pili. This is so unfair.

  16. I’m so sorry, art-sweet. There’s nothing I can say that will make it any better because it just sucks, so, so much.

    The hardest thing is having to wrap up all those dreams and put them away.

  17. I’m so very sorry.

  18. I’m very sorry, even more so at knowing how little that matters right now. :/ Take care of yourselves and allow yourselves time to grieve and be angry.

  19. Damnit. I know there is nothing that I can say to make you feel any better. I am just so so sorry. Thinking of you.

  20. A friend of mine, “verymelm”, asked me to come here from her LJ and lend my support. I have been going through IF treatments with my husband for 2 1/2 years. I know exactly where you are coming from. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is never easy to deal with this crap, and it is so hard to pick yourself up everytime you get knocked down. I am not going to tell you to keep your chin up or think positive or any of that junk, but I will say I’m here for you and you are not alone. Once again I am so sorry for your loss.

  21. Sorry doesn’t justify what I feel. What a big fat freakin’ bummer…
    Damn!!!
    I know the feeling unfortunately all too well.
    Take care!!!

  22. Shit. So sorry.

  23. oh, no…………I’m so very sorry…..sending many hugs your way…..

  24. Aw fuck.

    ::BIG FAT HUG::

    But you were wrong. Good things do happen to you.

    You have Pili, remember?

  25. (((((oh))))))). I’m so sorry.

  26. shit fuck crap and everything else

  27. I am so sorry…. You and Pili are in my thoughts.

  28. Man, I’m so sorry :o(… I was realy pulling for you both- please don’t give up. Though nothing can change this experience or change what you lost, know that there is still hope…

    And you have us here for support whenever you need…

    Take care.

  29. Oh, no no no.
    I know what you mean about the narrative but I just don’t think you suck. I don’t. Sending this thought your way, intensely….

  30. I was really hoping you were grieving over something else when I read the title. Or that is was some sick joke. But this sucks. I’m so, so, sorry.

  31. There is nothing to say. I’m thinking of you both and feeling sad with you.

  32. I read your post and that complete sense of disapointment and that I had let people down came rushing back to me from my years of ‘trying’. It completly and utterly sucks.

    Be good to yourself

  33. Sending gentle warm hugs to you both…

    Take Care of Each Other…

  34. Oh Art-Sweet. I am so sorry. You and Pili are in my thoughts and prayers.

  35. I am so sorry for you and Pili’s sad news.

  36. You and Pili are in our thoughts. So sorry….

  37. Hang in there, sweetie. Hugs from us to the pair of you.

  38. I am in shock. So, so sorry for you and Pili.

  39. Art-sweetie, big hugs to you. I can’t believe this. All my love to you.

  40. oh no. I am so sorry. Thinking of you & Pili.

  41. I had my own grief cycle as I read this, hoping it was just you imagining the end, not the real end.

    You couldn’t not hope and you can’t not grieve. You have to have every single feeling, no way around but through and that bites ASS.

    I am so sorry.

    FWIW I’ll just say this sucks, not you.

  42. (((((((((()))))))) I’m so sorry hon. I know that doesn’t make it any better, but I want you to know I’m thinking of you and Pili.

  43. I’m so sorry.

  44. No. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I wish there were something useful I could say. I am just so sorry.

  45. (((((((((((((((((art-sweet/pili))))))))))))

  46. Oh, my dear, this is just unspeakable.

    My deepest sympathies to you and pili.

  47. Oh, shit, Art.

    I just read this after being out of town and away from the computer for almost three weeks. (i mean, who still has dial up? and, who only has one phone line for their dinosaur dial up?)

    I am so sorry.

    It just sucks.


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