A mopey miserable post which I will regret later

January 29, 2007 at 1:02 am | Posted in AdoptThis!, Home, Sweet Home?, More than you ever wanted to know about me... | 35 Comments

I’m back home tonight from my family’s annual x-country ski weekend. Pili is in bed, sleeping soundly with her glasses still on her face. I should take them off her so she doesn’t roll over and crush them. I should go to bed too, but instead I am here blogging.

I love these weekends – my family, our family friends and their kids and grandkids, my cousin and his wife and daughter – hanging around the cabin, eating far too much food, frenzied snowball fights interspersed with lounging around in pjs reading books with the kids.

But this is the third year in a row that I’ve gone and thought “next year hopefully we won’t be the only ones without a kid.”

And honestly, I don’t feel too hopeful at this moment. We had a long intense talk in the car on the way home. This summer promises to be incredibly stressful and Pili is understandably feeling like it’s hard to feel joyous anticipation at the thought of:

a) bringing a baby home (we should be so lucky)
b) most likely selling our house, finding and buying a new house, and moving further away from her job (and from the few precious friends we’ve managed to make here in this pathetic excuse for a city) at the same time as bringing home said baby if we should be so lucky, but otherwise I am stuck here, with no career possibilities other then my current hour and fifteen minute drive when it is not snowing like crazy which it is half the damn year. And we’re here because of Pili’s job which she loves, and there are maybe five job openings a year in her field, and maybe one of them will be in a state that does not hate us and our family. And there will be two thousand candidates or perhaps I exaggerate slightly, but only slightly, for that one job opening.
c) having to commute long distances and spend several nights a week away from us when she has to be at work

But otherwise I watch my career, my hopes and dreams for which I have also worked hard, spiral down the drain. The easy thing would be for me to give up, say yes, I’ll focus on being a mom. But I would feel trapped into it, like falling into the pattern of putting myself second and surpressing myself that I knew would be easy to do with a husband but that I never expected to fall into with a wife. I would feel trapped and frustrated and I would hate myself and Pili for it. And that can’t be good.

I hate having Big Relationship talks in the car where I feel trapped and itchy squirmy and we always seem to do this.

And then despite the booking of plane tickets I am becoming increasingly agitated about the status of things with Guatebaby because we STILL haven’t gotten our January photos or medical report or any update on the DNA/Family Court situation. It’s to the point where Pili, my somewhat proper Pili, is ready to start sending nagging emails.

And all around me people are getting pregnant and having babies and getting into PGN and out of PGN and me, I got nothing. Nothing, nada, nil. And right now it is all feeling pretty damn crappy.

And we wonder why health insurance is so expensive…

January 26, 2007 at 12:33 am | Posted in The Sweet Life | 15 Comments

I received this letter from my dear friends at BC/BS today:

IMPORTANT HEALTH NOTICE

Dear Ms. Sweet:

We have provided important health information for you in this letter. We know that it is not always easy for individuals who have your condition to remember what they can do to stay on track with their health.

[Could you be a little more condescending please? Pretty please, with cherries and whipped cream on top? Oh wait, that might not be good for someone who has my “condition”]

To make it easier we have listed below tests or medications that may be helpful to you in managing your health.

[Do you mean, managing your costs?]

It is important that you talk with your doctor to see if these tests and/or medications are right for you.

[See above, re: condescending]

  • Cholesterol test

For your convenience, the back of this letter gives you a description of certain tests and medications and their importance. Understanding what you are taking and why you may need them may be helpful to you.

The funny thing is, I had a cholesterol test about a month ago. It was fine.

Shouldn’t I be excited about this?

January 22, 2007 at 3:32 pm | Posted in AdoptThis!, The Sweet Life | 22 Comments

We booked tickets for Guatemala on Saturday. I will be meeting my son ( g-d willing, knocking wood and tossing salt all ways) for the first time on my 32nd birthday. In about six weeks.

I think I would feel more excited about it if I had concrete information about how he was doing and how our case was doing.

The last thing I heard was that the DNA test had been scheduled but the mom was sick and couldn’t make it. That was over a week ago. And we are in Family Court, but I don’t know which one and whether it is the new bad one or what… I talked to a guy who had adopted with this agency yesterday, and he said the hardest thing for him was being a hands-on kind of person and not being able to do anything or know what was going on at any given moment. But that they knew what they were doing and should be trusted.

I think this may be a legacy of living with chronic illness: I don’t trust people to have my best interests in mind. The pharmacist who always looks offended when I open the bag and double check that I’ve been given the right medicine? Sorry, my friend, but I have been given the wrong thing any number of times. The doctor who obviously hasn’t really read my chart and gets all worked up because I have sugar in my urine?

Because our agency does kind of an all in one deal, the fee includes things like the DNA test, so I won’t see that show up on the credit card bill like most people do. They also recently changed some of the things which the fee covers, which irritates me, although I know we signed something saying we knew this could happen and were okay with it.

I also haven’t gotten JANUARY medicals or photos yet, and supposedly lots of families are there visiting and we should be getting lots of new photos soon, but I haven’t seen a damn thing… And I wish our medical reports included developmental information… they’re really just stats.

Whine, whine, whine.

The Winter Holiday of My Choice, Part II

January 19, 2007 at 12:50 pm | Posted in Linky Love | 5 Comments

I was somewhat intimidated by my assigned match in the Winter Holiday Blog Present Extravaganza and amused by the strange appropriateness of it. Adoptive-mama-to-be gets assigned to adoption-skeptical firstmother? What’s the chances? Plus Kateri seemed so hip I was convinced that she would look at me and my decidely un-punk-rock life with utter scorn. Once I got over my social anxiety, I had a lot of fun putting this together. And since I wasn’t rushing to find out what was in the package, I took LOTS of pictures…

Kateri likes chocolate. She doesn’t want to share it. I can understand that. She said that sometimes she buys organic things because they are more like the person she wants to be than the person she is. I understand that too. So off we go to the food coop in search of organic chocolate. I’m sorry, organic, fair-trade, locally produced, giving profits to charity chocolate. And hey! It’s on sale! More chocolate for Kateri!

Low-Guilt Chocolate

To give this situation even more irony absurdity than a horrible Alannis Morrisette song which technically speaking, does not describe irony at all, Kateri also loves Christmas (see, Grinch, me, above). Also on sale at the co-op post-mandatory-religious-holiday:

Cute but Deeply Scary? Maple Crack, I mean Candy
This “santa approved” treat And a little nutcracker maple sugar man
Glee! Make your own!
Plus this all-natural gum! Because doesn’t everyone need a little glee in their lives? Since Kateri is craftier than I am, perhaps she will want to try making her own gum?

Then I went to the drugstore to fill a prescription (Diflucan. Ah the joys of the female diabetic, they never end.) and indulge Kateri’s guilty pleasure of nail-polishing with some nice deep hues (a love we share) of admittedly cheap nail polish. They went, along with a bar of yummy smelling soap that was also on sale at the co-op (I came in under the limit, I tell you. Under. Yes, I’m unduly impressed with myself), into a basket left over from a Vietnamese basket-buying spasm on our Asia trip which caused Pili great shame and caused everyone else at the airport to stare at my bag and mutter (at least this is my guess, since I don’t speak Vietnamese) “does she really think she’s going to carry that on?”

Basket with Nail Polish and Soap

While I was at the drugstore I saw these items on sale and thought of Kateri’s adorable little girls.

Moldable Soap Duck Magic Soap
I don’t generally like products with cartoon characters on them, but this seemed so fun that I decided principles-schmincibles Magic Soap?!?

I threw in a little regifting – incense and burner – mostly because I thought Kateri would like the pretty blue mesh bag it came in.

Incense

Kateri loves music and frequently talks about it on her blog. So I made a mixed cd.

Songs for Kateri

Here’s what was on it (my crazy mixed up cd club friends will recognize some songs):

You Can Never Hold Back Spring – Tom Waits
Born – Over the Rhine
Poopsmith – Over the Rhine
The Kid – Cry Cry Cry
All the Pretty Horses – Calexico
Margaret vs. Pauline – Neko Case
I Touch Myself – Scala
Coin Operated Boy – Dresden Dolls
Complex Person – Pretenders
My First Lover – Gillian Welch
Idle Hands – Amy Speace
Long Night Moon- Catie Curtis
Comfortably Numb – Dar Williams
If I’m Drowning – Over the Rhine
Charm – Wild Colonials
Going Through the Motions – Aimee Mann
Don’t Marry Her – the Beautiful South
All I Ever Get for Christmas is Blue – Over the Rhine
How Shall I Love Thee – Rose Polenzani
To the Lighthouse – Patrick Wolf
The Tower – Vienna Teng

Finally, when I was tearing apart the closet looking for wrapping paper, I found a print of one my photographs, which was taken near where Kateri lives. I attempted to cut a mat for it, but I suck at cutting at mats (see, crafty, not me).

Poorly Matted Photo

Then I tried to wrap everything. I hate wrapping things.

I SUCK AT WRAPPING PRESENTS

But in the end, I think it made a pretty nice stack o’ presents.

Stacked

And of course, because this is my life, it got lost in the mail.

I had the forethought to put delivery confirmation on it, but then I threw out the receipt with the tracking # on it after I saw it had been delivered. Foolish me, I did not stop to think, delivered to whom. I almost had a heart attack when I saw that Kateri commented that she had not received her package. Andrea served as a kind intermediary, and just when I was thinking that all hope was lost, she reported that one of Kateri’s neighbors (or neighbours) had received it in error and just passed it along. Whew.

So, wrapping up this reeediculously long post: Kateri, I hope you liked your gifts. And I hope we can be friends. Will you sit at my lunch table today?

The Winter Holiday of My Choice

January 19, 2007 at 2:42 am | Posted in Linky Love | 5 Comments

So I did this… holiday thing. Despite my self avowed grinchiness I do love giving and getting presents especially when I don’t have to.

And I finally got my present today. The fact that I finally got it today is not my fabulous gifter’s fault at all. First, the postman came in the one hour no one was home, and the package had to be signed for in person. Except that he forgot to check that box, and so I signed it and stuck it on the door. Then (obviously I need to have a word with my mailman) he tried to redeliver it, and I wasn’t home to sign and so he left another slip, and this one said that I could go to the post office and pick it up. So I tried to do that on Wednesday, because I was going to be out of town Wednesday night and all day Thursday. Only to find out that the dratted mailman was, in fact, trying to redeliver it at that very moment!

The valient Pili tracked it down this morning, and when I got home tonight, there it was sitting on the dining room table waiting for me. It smelled suspiciously deliciously like vanilla (yippee!) and it had this label on it.

Four presents? Very promising indeed….

Further investigation by both me and the felines (I was too impatient to take a lot of pictures, I’m afraid. And they don’t have opposable thumbs, thank g-d) revealed an incredibly cozy fleecy blanket, in a lovely deep red color, perfect for chilly upstate winter nights. It also revealed…

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TRUFFLES! TRUFFLES! GODIVA TRUFFLES. I love you gifter, love you. As if that wasn’t enough to ensure my eternal happiness, or at least a few minutes of it, there was also a very yummy smelling vanilla candle and a beautiful glass candle holder for it. And a book –

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Which Pili promptly tried to steal. A grown-up book by Frances Hodgsen Burnett, The Making of a Marchioness. Looks very promising.

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Who could it be from? I had an idea… someone who had started commenting on my blog shortly after the gift extravaganza matches were released. But there was no name on the package… just a return address – in Virginia. Hmmm… YES. Thank you, Liz – it’s perfect, and will definitely help pass the time!

Tomorrow… my GIFTEE and what she received. Otherwise known as, yeah right Andrea, that was a random match. Uh-huh.

You take the good, you take the bad…

January 17, 2007 at 12:30 am | Posted in AdoptThis! | 18 Comments

The good news: we FINALLY got authorization for Guatebaby and his mom to be DNA tested.
The bad news: They were supposed to be tested last week, but the mom was sick and was not able to make the appt.  I am of course, freaking out semi-convinced that this is a Bad Sign that she is changing her mind or something.

The good news: We are talking with the coordinator about scheduling our visit trip.
The bad news: Probably won’t be until late february, early march.

Oh and GAL, it would be nice to get January updates, oh, sometime before February starts.

All Hail Beth

January 14, 2007 at 2:05 pm | Posted in Blogging about Blogging, Linky Love | 14 Comments

Look at my pretty new header! Thank you Beth, it’s beeeeee-u-tiful!

Also, I have a new post up at lesbian family. More navel gazing about raising a son…

Foto Faturday: J is for…

January 13, 2007 at 11:28 am | Posted in Photo Friday | 4 Comments

…Japan. Thanks to the beneficence of Pili’s employer, we got to go to Asia a couple of years ago. 

Field Trip!
School girls on a field trip.This one’s for Menita, who knows why.

Gravel Garden Monk
Gravel Garden A monk in motion. This one’s dedicated with love to Carla and the Original Monkster, Miss Gemmie

Fake food
Models of food. This was my salvation, as you could grab your waitress, take her to the display, point, and say I’d like that one, please and have some certainty that you had not just ordered octopus eye sushi

I have more Japan photos on flickr, if you like that sort of thing.

Diary of a Misplaced Foodie

January 10, 2007 at 8:23 pm | Posted in Blogging about Blogging, Home, Sweet Home? | 32 Comments

I rolled my eyes (okay, I rolled my eyes A LOT) when the restaurant reviewer for our local newspaper panned the one really good Chinese place in town, complaining that the food was too spicy and the owner offered too many suggestions.

I rolled my eyes even more when she gave a very positive review to the “authentic” Italian cuisine at 0live garden.

And then in the front page article of today’s food section the editor offers some helpful tips on recipe substitutions.

As a substitute for one whole egg, use two egg yolks and one tbs. cold water. Um, if I don’t have a whole egg, do you really think I’m likely to have two egg yolks sitting around the fridge? No maple syrup? Use corn syrup + maple flavoring. Why of course! Maple flavoring – the essential basic everyone has in their spice cabinet.

Finally, in the “you must really think your readers are idiots” category: Did you ever imagine that you could substitute boiling water and bouillion cubes for broth? A stick of margerine for a stick of butter? An equal amount of unsalted butter and a pinch of salt for salted butter?

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Despite the tone of this post, I don’t really bite (Really. Those were lovenips.) So… since it’s national delurking week… won’t you leave me a note and tell me what brought you here?

Bring on the IV3000

January 9, 2007 at 1:13 pm | Posted in The Sweet Life | 13 Comments

I woke up this morning feeling like crap.  Nauseated, dizzy, sleepy.  Any guesses as to why?

At first I thought it might have something to do with the dark n’ stormies consumed last night in celebration of the end of the Job That Blows. 

Then I pulled off my pajama bottoms – and my site came with them.

Test: 353; Ketones: Small (been a long time since I saw one of these change color…)

I put in a new site, bolused, drank copious amounts of water, and gave sincere thanks that I had chosen to have a celebratory sleepover (complete with dark n’ stormies, hot tub, and a truly horrendous episode of the L-w0rd) at a friend’s house out in the country, where someone would have noticed if I didn’t wake up came in to wake me up with coffee in hand.

This disease really bites ass sometimes. 

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