I’m back home tonight from my family’s annual x-country ski weekend. Pili is in bed, sleeping soundly with her glasses still on her face. I should take them off her so she doesn’t roll over and crush them. I should go to bed too, but instead I am here blogging.
I love these weekends – my family, our family friends and their kids and grandkids, my cousin and his wife and daughter – hanging around the cabin, eating far too much food, frenzied snowball fights interspersed with lounging around in pjs reading books with the kids.
But this is the third year in a row that I’ve gone and thought “next year hopefully we won’t be the only ones without a kid.”
And honestly, I don’t feel too hopeful at this moment. We had a long intense talk in the car on the way home. This summer promises to be incredibly stressful and Pili is understandably feeling like it’s hard to feel joyous anticipation at the thought of:
a) bringing a baby home (we should be so lucky)
b) most likely selling our house, finding and buying a new house, and moving further away from her job (and from the few precious friends we’ve managed to make here in this pathetic excuse for a city) at the same time as bringing home said baby if we should be so lucky, but otherwise I am stuck here, with no career possibilities other then my current hour and fifteen minute drive when it is not snowing like crazy which it is half the damn year. And we’re here because of Pili’s job which she loves, and there are maybe five job openings a year in her field, and maybe one of them will be in a state that does not hate us and our family. And there will be two thousand candidates or perhaps I exaggerate slightly, but only slightly, for that one job opening.
c) having to commute long distances and spend several nights a week away from us when she has to be at work
But otherwise I watch my career, my hopes and dreams for which I have also worked hard, spiral down the drain. The easy thing would be for me to give up, say yes, I’ll focus on being a mom. But I would feel trapped into it, like falling into the pattern of putting myself second and surpressing myself that I knew would be easy to do with a husband but that I never expected to fall into with a wife. I would feel trapped and frustrated and I would hate myself and Pili for it. And that can’t be good.
I hate having Big Relationship talks in the car where I feel trapped and itchy squirmy and we always seem to do this.
And then despite the booking of plane tickets I am becoming increasingly agitated about the status of things with Guatebaby because we STILL haven’t gotten our January photos or medical report or any update on the DNA/Family Court situation. It’s to the point where Pili, my somewhat proper Pili, is ready to start sending nagging emails.
And all around me people are getting pregnant and having babies and getting into PGN and out of PGN and me, I got nothing. Nothing, nada, nil. And right now it is all feeling pretty damn crappy.
I received this letter from my dear friends at BC/BS today:
IMPORTANT HEALTH NOTICE
Dear Ms. Sweet:
We have provided important health information for you in this letter. We know that it is not always easy for individuals who have your condition to remember what they can do to stay on track with their health.
[Could you be a little more condescending please? Pretty please, with cherries and whipped cream on top? Oh wait, that might not be good for someone who has my “condition”]
To make it easier we have listed below tests or medications that may be helpful to you in managing your health.
[Do you mean, managing your costs?]
It is important that you talk with your doctor to see if these tests and/or medications are right for you.
[See above, re: condescending]
- Cholesterol test
For your convenience, the back of this letter gives you a description of certain tests and medications and their importance. Understanding what you are taking and why you may need them may be helpful to you.
The funny thing is, I had a cholesterol test about a month ago. It was fine.
We booked tickets for Guatemala on Saturday. I will be meeting my son ( g-d willing, knocking wood and tossing salt all ways) for the first time on my 32nd birthday. In about six weeks.
I think I would feel more excited about it if I had concrete information about how he was doing and how our case was doing.
The last thing I heard was that the DNA test had been scheduled but the mom was sick and couldn’t make it. That was over a week ago. And we are in Family Court, but I don’t know which one and whether it is the new bad one or what… I talked to a guy who had adopted with this agency yesterday, and he said the hardest thing for him was being a hands-on kind of person and not being able to do anything or know what was going on at any given moment. But that they knew what they were doing and should be trusted.
I think this may be a legacy of living with chronic illness: I don’t trust people to have my best interests in mind. The pharmacist who always looks offended when I open the bag and double check that I’ve been given the right medicine? Sorry, my friend, but I have been given the wrong thing any number of times. The doctor who obviously hasn’t really read my chart and gets all worked up because I have sugar in my urine?
Because our agency does kind of an all in one deal, the fee includes things like the DNA test, so I won’t see that show up on the credit card bill like most people do. They also recently changed some of the things which the fee covers, which irritates me, although I know we signed something saying we knew this could happen and were okay with it.
I also haven’t gotten JANUARY medicals or photos yet, and supposedly lots of families are there visiting and we should be getting lots of new photos soon, but I haven’t seen a damn thing… And I wish our medical reports included developmental information… they’re really just stats.
Whine, whine, whine.
The good news: we FINALLY got authorization for Guatebaby and his mom to be DNA tested.
The bad news: They were supposed to be tested last week, but the mom was sick and was not able to make the appt. I am of course,
freaking out semi-convinced that this is a Bad Sign that she is changing her mind or something.
The good news: We are talking with the coordinator about scheduling our visit trip.
The bad news: Probably won’t be until late february, early march.
Oh and GAL, it would be nice to get January updates, oh, sometime before February starts.
…Japan. Thanks to the beneficence of Pili’s employer, we got to go to Asia a couple of years ago.
|School girls on a field trip.This one’s for Menita, who knows why.|
|Gravel Garden||A monk in motion. This one’s dedicated with love to Carla and the Original Monkster, Miss Gemmie|
|Models of food. This was my salvation, as you could grab your waitress, take her to the display, point, and say I’d like that one, please and have some certainty that you had not just ordered octopus eye sushi|
I have more Japan photos on flickr, if you like that sort of thing.
I rolled my eyes (okay, I rolled my eyes A LOT) when the restaurant reviewer for our local newspaper panned the one really good Chinese place in town, complaining that the food was too spicy and the owner offered too many suggestions.
I rolled my eyes even more when she gave a very positive review to the “authentic” Italian cuisine at 0live garden.
And then in the front page article of today’s food section the editor offers some helpful tips on recipe substitutions.
As a substitute for one whole egg, use two egg yolks and one tbs. cold water. Um, if I don’t have a whole egg, do you really think I’m likely to have two egg yolks sitting around the fridge? No maple syrup? Use corn syrup + maple flavoring. Why of course! Maple flavoring – the essential basic everyone has in their spice cabinet.
Finally, in the “you must really think your readers are idiots” category: Did you ever imagine that you could substitute boiling water and bouillion cubes for broth? A stick of margerine for a stick of butter? An equal amount of unsalted butter and a pinch of salt for salted butter?
Despite the tone of this post, I don’t really bite (Really. Those were lovenips.) So… since it’s national delurking week… won’t you leave me a note and tell me what brought you here?
I woke up this morning feeling like crap. Nauseated, dizzy, sleepy. Any guesses as to why?
At first I thought it might have something to do with the dark n’ stormies consumed last night in celebration of the end of the Job That Blows.
Then I pulled off my pajama bottoms – and my site came with them.
Test: 353; Ketones: Small (been a long time since I saw one of these change color…)
I put in a new site, bolused, drank copious amounts of water, and gave sincere thanks that I had chosen to have a celebratory sleepover (complete with dark n’ stormies, hot tub, and a truly horrendous episode of the L-w0rd) at a friend’s house out in the country, where someone
would have noticed if I didn’t wake up came in to wake me up with coffee in hand.
This disease really bites ass sometimes.