A mopey miserable post which I will regret later

January 29, 2007 at 1:02 am | Posted in AdoptThis!, Home, Sweet Home?, More than you ever wanted to know about me... | 35 Comments

I’m back home tonight from my family’s annual x-country ski weekend. Pili is in bed, sleeping soundly with her glasses still on her face. I should take them off her so she doesn’t roll over and crush them. I should go to bed too, but instead I am here blogging.

I love these weekends – my family, our family friends and their kids and grandkids, my cousin and his wife and daughter – hanging around the cabin, eating far too much food, frenzied snowball fights interspersed with lounging around in pjs reading books with the kids.

But this is the third year in a row that I’ve gone and thought “next year hopefully we won’t be the only ones without a kid.”

And honestly, I don’t feel too hopeful at this moment. We had a long intense talk in the car on the way home. This summer promises to be incredibly stressful and Pili is understandably feeling like it’s hard to feel joyous anticipation at the thought of:

a) bringing a baby home (we should be so lucky)
b) most likely selling our house, finding and buying a new house, and moving further away from her job (and from the few precious friends we’ve managed to make here in this pathetic excuse for a city) at the same time as bringing home said baby if we should be so lucky, but otherwise I am stuck here, with no career possibilities other then my current hour and fifteen minute drive when it is not snowing like crazy which it is half the damn year. And we’re here because of Pili’s job which she loves, and there are maybe five job openings a year in her field, and maybe one of them will be in a state that does not hate us and our family. And there will be two thousand candidates or perhaps I exaggerate slightly, but only slightly, for that one job opening.
c) having to commute long distances and spend several nights a week away from us when she has to be at work

But otherwise I watch my career, my hopes and dreams for which I have also worked hard, spiral down the drain. The easy thing would be for me to give up, say yes, I’ll focus on being a mom. But I would feel trapped into it, like falling into the pattern of putting myself second and surpressing myself that I knew would be easy to do with a husband but that I never expected to fall into with a wife. I would feel trapped and frustrated and I would hate myself and Pili for it. And that can’t be good.

I hate having Big Relationship talks in the car where I feel trapped and itchy squirmy and we always seem to do this.

And then despite the booking of plane tickets I am becoming increasingly agitated about the status of things with Guatebaby because we STILL haven’t gotten our January photos or medical report or any update on the DNA/Family Court situation. It’s to the point where Pili, my somewhat proper Pili, is ready to start sending nagging emails.

And all around me people are getting pregnant and having babies and getting into PGN and out of PGN and me, I got nothing. Nothing, nada, nil. And right now it is all feeling pretty damn crappy.

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  1. You know art, it is always better in the daylight. These are tough choices to have to make. I know waiting on info from agencies is tough, I am still waiting myself. You do have Pili. I am sitting up feeling pathetic myself. So do not think you are alone. Your job situation will work out. you are creative, and your blogs are helping some of us through this crappy waiting game, and for this I thank you. I hope you feel better in the morning. email me if you want. Donna

  2. Come on Art – chin up. Go to sleep. When you wake up, even though the problems/fears do remain, they will not seem so DARK! You can cope and you will cope! Who said LIFE was going to be easy?!

  3. I can relate to an extent–had to relocate to the Mister’s hometown for similar reasons, and job prospects aren’t as plentiful where we now are as compared to the thriving metropolis I sadly left behind. Can you become an offsite consultant somehow in your field? (I forget exactly what your field is–but something in academia?) Can you teach online courses? Write/research in your field from where you’re based?

    And if it takes Pili sending nagging emails to get things moving, so be it. Squeaky wheels get grease and all that.

  4. I’m sorry things are so hard right now, it must b absolute torture to be waiting like this for guatebaby without knowing how long the process is going to take, and also being worried, I imagine, that it might all fall through.

    Thinking of you.

  5. I’m sorry. Those are tough choices.

    If it helps, I’m in the same spot w/ Erik–he has a rare job, positions only available in the GTA, which is why I’m here. Only I’d rather not live in the GTA. And yep, I feel trapped and resentful sometimes.

    So no big uplifting advice, but lots of hugs.

  6. Art

    I’m sorry that things seem so bleak right now. And I understand what it’s like to go to family events and feel that hole in your heart because of the other ‘happy families’ with their kids.

    I pray that the Guatemala stuff resolves itself soon so that you’ll have some idea when you’ll have the little guy with you. Hang in there, when it all happens it’ll probably feel like it’s at breakneck speed.

    When we finally got to China to adopt our first baby, we had been through several months of “we’re sure the approval will come next week and you’ll be going to China real soon” Both of us had been going crazy looking at the single photo on our fridge (now several months old) and thinking that each day without our little girl was unendurable.

    At one point we sat in our hotel room in China with our Nina and were both amazed at how easy it was. How could China have given us one of her precious daughters? Shouldn’t we be jumping through several more hoops? Wasn’t there other magical papers we had to produce?

    Now it’s over 10 years later, she’s still surprising us. And we’ve endured the wonderful and not-so-wonderful stuff that comes with having children.

    What I’m trying to say is that all this junk you’re going through now will pass. And once it does, you’ll look back and it won’t seem half as hard as it does not.

    I hope you’ll be looking back in a very short time.

  7. I hope you don’t regret this post. It’s good to get your feelings out, and to know that others understand you to at least some degree. I can relate about living somewhere where it’s hard to make friends and you’re not really happy. And I can totally relate about the feeling of “I hope next year I’m not the only childless person here.”

    I hope you get some news about Guatebaby’s progress soon.

  8. I keep hoping you will have one of those Guat-adoptions like we had with our daughter. We heard nothing, nothing, nothing and then one day got an email that said ‘you are in PGN and have PA’. What!? Some attorneys seem to be terrible at giving updates… but hopefully yours is working so hard on your case you just don’t hear updates.

  9. Art,

    I wish we lived closer as we would love to hang out with you and Pili.

    I know life sucks right now and having the big relationship talks in the car sucks too.

    I wish I could say something to make it easier, but all I can say is that we’re here and keep writing.

  10. sending you love.

  11. Thinking of you guys. Sorry for the hard travelin’.

  12. I HATE serious talks in the car as well. I always feel so ganged up on & trapped.
    I hope some information about your son comes SOON.
    all the anxiety and anticipation must be awful.
    sending lots of love,
    xo

  13. My dh and I are at a total impasse re: the job vs. ideal place to live thing. I need to be near a metropolitan area in order to be paid well, he is more of a risk taker and wants to do something completely differently – in a different part of the country NOT involving any type of city life. It’s tough. And I go through stages where I stress hard about it -then let it go and stress and let it go – and so on. I figure if I just don’t push any committment yet, life will happen and it will work out without a ton of conscious effort – maybe.

    And coincidentally, it’s funny that you say you feel trapped etc. when these Big Talks happen in the car. I am the opposite, long car rides end up being the best thing for us because we tend to spill our guts and actually communicate well for a change…

    I have no sage advice about any of it but know that there are so many people thinking about you and rooting for you.

  14. Hey Art,

    Thinking of you – I’m sure everything will work out splendidly. It always just takes longer than we want it to.

  15. I know…the waits are very hard on so many levels that can have long term impact. My so-called career also went into the toilet during my wait. It is so hard to make any plans when there is an unscheduled baby in the future. I attribute our state of financial devastation to the two year wait for number one. So many ideas for supplementing our income got the kibash.

    And we have moved twice during our waits, always wondering if it would be scheduled appropriately for an adopted child, whom, as the prevailing wisdom says, should NOT have to move again!

    Cars. That’s also where kids talk for real. Often the only place. It’s where I learned of JL’s first racist incident. I don’t doubt I will learn many things that make me almost run off the road.

    Of all the things to hate about PAP (preadoption “pregnancy”), I hate the not knowing most of all.

    Did you ever get Pili’s glasses off?

  16. Heh. We must be sadists – we do all our difficult talking on road trips. In fact, if one of us is driving and starts to feel drowsy, we start SEARCHING for a tough topic. It’s *the best* way we’ve found to fend off road fatigue, if a bit stressful!

    I hope you’re doing better today. Thinking of you and sending hurry up vibes down Guate way.

  17. Art – call me would ya? Why do you have to move? Somewhere where you could get a decent job? I read and reread your post and I really want to talk with you, and not through this blog thing. I went through the same exact feelings that you are going through right now. I am a mostly SAHM and rely on Cheryl income wise. Anyway, call me so we can talk OK? I really don’t want you to move….bTW – Cheryl always has to take my glasses off when I fall asleep reading! LOL!

  18. Hang in there — You are thinking of too many unknowables at one time. I do that, too, and it is overwhelming. I think that traveling and meeting Guatebaby will at least make HIM real for you, and will help focus your mind.

    Other things will make more sense as time goes on and being moms becomes, again, real.

    I’m crossing fingers for PGN. Our friends are adopting for the second time from Guatemala, and are having a much harder time, paper/bureaucracy-wise.

    e

  19. Hang in there, Art! Everything does look different in the light. Skiing exhaustion + driving = not good time to think about life decisions.

    BE the squeaky wheel- it’s nearly February, and you should have an update by now. Often times, no news just means that no one has shared the news. There might be a flurry of activity, and you’ll get a big huge update and from zero to PGN before you know it!!

  20. Just a note to say I’m sorry you’re feeling down… I hope things become clearer soon.

  21. sorry you feel so down…

    ((((hugs)))

  22. I remember a co-worker going through the agony of adopting a baby from China. She was female and single…..

    The day after she brought home her baby, China enacted a law that two people of the opposite sex and who were married were the only ones allowed to adopt in China.

    She got away with the adoption by the skin of her teeth.

    I really feel for you. I know from the outside what it’s like to go through this. I’m sending baby vibes your way.

  23. I hope things look better today.

    Sending many good thoughts to the both of you.

    ((Hugs))

  24. Oh, hon, hang in there. Did getting some sleep help? Any? A little? Maybe not….

    I think that part of your anxiety is the typical what-am-I-getting-myself-into fears of impending parenthood. And partly, of course, it’s all perfectly reasonable and rational (not that fears about impending parenthood are not reasonable and rational) and has nothing to do with Guatbaby but everything to do with the fact that it can be so damn hard to figure out career and life and happiness for not one but TWO people.

    Okay, I don’t seem to have anything helpful to say…although I’m groping here for something to say that, even though our situations are so different at the moment, I feel all of this sympathy. I’ll just end by sending hugs (if that’s not to syrupy).

  25. Hope the dna and photos arrive soon, so at least that’s one less stress off you.

    As Tom Petty said ‘The waiting is the hardest part’. Though I think he actually said ‘The wai-ai-ting is the hardest part’ 🙂

  26. Thinking of you, A-S. I can’t wait to hear that you’ve held him in your arms.

  27. i’m sorry. i know how you’re feeling and it sucks. chin up – it always works out.

  28. Waiting is so difficult. I know it must seem like forever. But you will find a way. You will, you will!

  29. The expectations surrounding next year or next “blah” I’ll have my baby, and them watching them pass and pass again with no baby is just brutal. And the job stuff…we have similar problems and it sucks. Oh and the waiting. I hear ya. Don’t regret complaining! I don’t want to hear just the positive shit from folks.

  30. Rooting for you and sending hugs and virtual chocolate.

  31. Art

    I hope that things are going a bit better today. I’m praying you get an update (a really good, spectacular update) soon.

    Hang in there.

  32. Art,

    Of course you’re going to get Guatebaby. I already sent the book and everything! I really don’t think G-d would have shown me that book if it didn’t mean something. 😉 Love & happiness!!

    -Allison

  33. I’m sorry it’s so tough. The career thing is tough and I really feel for both of you. I know I’d have more career options in academia if I could search nationally, but when there’s two people with careers involved it seems like someone’s always got the short stick. I really hope that you can come to a decision that you feel comfortable with. Your idea of what feels natural may change once you are faced with the reality of guatababy too.

    Come on update! Sending good update vibes!

  34. Hi, recently started reading your blog — so many of your thoughts resonate for me. I keep checking back to see what’s happened for you and Guatababy and here’s wishing you the best. My partner and I both left academia, but I totally know the 2-body problem and all it entails. Sending you sympathetic and hopeful thoughts.

  35. Thank You


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