Decisions I wish I didn’t have to make

April 7, 2007 at 11:08 pm | Posted in PiliPiliPili | 21 Comments

We have been going back and forth about the question I am about to pose to you, to the point, where Pili said: Why don’t you ask the blogosphere?

Pili, being of the academic persuasion, is done with classes mid-may.  The rest of us are not so lucky…

However, I will receive my masters degree in advanced studies in being underpaid in late May.  As a graduation present to myself/something to look forward to since GAL STILL HASN’T MANAGED TO FIND OUT IF WE ARE ACTUALLY IN PGN(!), I proposed that we go down and visit the Boy again.  We can’t really afford it, but I’m hoping my family may chip in some graduation cash as well…

Pili suggested that since she will be done with classes and footloose and fancyfree, perhaps she could stay on a few days longer.

I wish I could just say “of course sweetie!”

It will cost more money, and that’s the practical reason not to.  In the grand scheme of things though, the amount of additional money it will cost is not that much, and it would give him more time with Pili, more one-on-one attention…

But the real reason I can’t just say yes is the way I know I’ll feel at the thought of leaving him and her, making that long ride back to Guatemala City, enduring a day on a plane and coming home to an empty house.  Sitting next to some stranger on the plane, who won’t want to spend hours mooning over the photos on the camera and remembering the smiles and stinky diaper surprises.  I feel so lonely and sad just thinking about it.  I can’t imagine living it.

But I feel so petty and juvenile denying Pili – and him – a few more days together because I can’t handle going back by myself.

So… what would you do?

This just sucks.  And it just pisses me off that Gal can send all kinds of emails about what the agency needs and how we can help… but she can’t pin the attorney down to find out when/if we were submitted to PGN.


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  1. Gosh. That hurts. Just totally sucks. Because there’s no way to make that plane ride any easier or this frustration any less. But, maybe, try to think about what you want her to do if the situation were reversed? Think about what will happen when you ARE back home, and she has to go some conference or unfun meeting and leave the two of you for your own adventures. What would you want for him? I’m pretty damn sure that I couldn’t make it through the plane ride without crying, and that it would, pretty much, suck during those few days. But, I’d want to be the person who gave my partner that chance–even though I’m so often the one clinging to “fair” and “together”–but I’d want to be the person who gave that gift of time to my child. Even though it would hurt. And maybe, years later, you’d look back on those few days and think, “I am so, so, so amazingly glad (and a little bit jealous, but mainly glad) that they had that time together.” Maybe, in the end, that’s how you get on the plane. You hold that image of the future in your heart, that moment when the sacrifice is totally worth it and one you would make again. It still sucks, it really does, and I wish like heck you could BOTH stay, but I hope you are able to find some little measure of peace or joy to salvage from a crappy situation.

  2. A-s

    That’s a difficult one. I’m going to be a coward and not offer a real suggestion.

    I think either way you two will be just fine. One way Pili gets to spend more time with guatababy (plus you get to see him again at least briefly), the other way you can look at those cute pictures and save you dollars for the real ride down there.

    Trust me, I know what’s it’s like to look at pictures and be waiting. With our eldest girl we had her picture (small passport picture) from early Spring through almost the end of Summer until we travelled. It drops us both nuts. Though the wait was more than worth it.

  3. I think that will be a long and lonely trip back, and you should plan on having company or meeting friends and not being alone when you return. But, I think that a) you can handle it and b) the pain/stress of not doing it will stay with you longer. This is something you can do for him. And it’s all about him 🙂

    Plus you can *totally* leverage it to monopolize him during the time when you are there!

  4. As hard as it is one of the biggest part of being a parent is thinking of your child first and you second. I have a 4 year old and this was a difficult lesson for me to learn. I was always used to think of my feelings but after having Alexander I had to think of what was best for him despite of me.
    I believe that you should let Pili stay in Guatemala with your boy. It would be so beneficial to him to have one of his mommies around for a longer period.
    I think that this situation is a good thing and not bad because as much as it hurts you are now feeling/experiencing what parenthood is all about.
    Good luck

  5. i do get what you’re saying and sympathize, but i still think you should let pili stay.

  6. Honestly? I would feel the same as you. I went to visit without my hubby and felt huge guilt (he couldn’t go for a variety of reasons). But I told him at the time he was a bigger person than I because I didn’t know if I could let him go without me. Selfish, yes. But honest.
    Leaving by myself was actually easier than leaving when he was with me because our grief wasn’t feeding off each other.
    It’s a hard decision – good luck.

  7. I’m with you. I would HATE to have D stay when I couldn’t. But it probably would be better for Pili and Guatababy.

    If you can have friends meet you at the airport and stay with you–I’d say let her go.


  8. First, let me commend you for visiting again. I am so afraid of the pain that we haven’t made one visit trip, and unless we get stuck in PGN, we will only be making the pick-up trip. Having said that, I think it would be impossible to know how much Pili would appreciate the extra days with GB. I agree with another poster- have friends at the ready when you come home so you’re not all alone. I know it would suck, but you would make it through just fine.

  9. Of COURSE you should go see him.

    Each and every opportunity you can go, you should take advantage of. He’s your SON. HE’LL be happy to see YOU and Pili.

    As my Bubbe, z’l would always say: “it’s just money.”


    Go. now. While you can.

  10. to tag onto what Kassie said? When you come back? Just come stay with us for a few!

    Malka would love the company, as would we.

  11. I think you should go if you can possibly afford it, and if you can bear it it sounds as if it makes sense for Pili to stay. I know it will be awful for you coming back, but the thought of how much guatebaby will appreciate it might ameliorate that a little?

  12. Let Pili stay on without you. But ask for a digital video camera from someone for graduation and bring it with you and play the recordings on the plane on the way back.

    And get more than your fair share of Guatebaby time while you’re down there.

    And when you get back we will all give you many hugs and kudos for being a brave and generous person.

  13. tough, tough.
    how about you guys BOTh go down there, get GB & bring him home? oh…wait..grumble, grumble, shaking fist at GAL infused universe.
    I think having something to come back TO is the key here. & if you want to come down here & watch non stop Murder She Wrote with GM & me you know you are welcome!

  14. What an agonizing decision! I can’t give you an answer, but I can invite you over after you get home so we can all mooon over those pictures together!

  15. Oh, man, I totally get why you’re going to be jealous and sad and all those other things, but yeah, as much as it’s going to hurt and make you angry and a bit resentful, it’ll be the bigger thing to do to have Pili stay down there for a couple of extra days.

    That said, I don’t think you should feel guilty for having this maelstrom of feelings going on. I also agree with Kassie – plan to have someone meet you at the airport and then make plans with friends to keep your mind off things.

    Also, can I come and give GAL a slap? Seriously, what is wrong with her? She needs a big ol’ bonfire lit under her ass.

  16. It is hard to let go of time with your child! I still struggle with questions like this, four years in, although once you’re home all together it will seem less dramatic. It will be good for GB to have more time with either or both of you….but it is not easy to leave.

  17. I visited 3 times during our process, and found the hardest leave-taking was the first visit trip. Both of the other trips I really thought as I left that I would be getting out of PGN and coming back to pick her up before too long and that really helped. (Of course, it turned out in July I was really *wrong* about that thought, but still it made leaving easier.)

    Hopefully by late May you’ll be in a similar position.

    Also, if Pili is staying, you’ll be able to be with your little guy right up until you leave for the airport. No handing the baby back and going up to a horribly babyless room to pack, etc.


  18. What a horrid decision. If I were in your shoes, I think I’d rip my eyes out in anguish if I had to leave without Pili and GB, but I’d be in equal pain from guilt and feeling hideously small if I made Pili leave with me. In other words, there’s no solution to this dilemma without heartache. I’m sorry. However, I have to agree with the others — grudgingly and with empathetic pain for you — and say it’s probably best for Pili to stay. And still sucky.

    Hugs to you.

  19. What a tough one. My only suggestion is to think about the day when you bring him home on the plane with you. Doesn’t make today any easier but that day will be sweet. Sorry you are going through this.

  20. Definately go. I know that leaving will be hard, but dang, every minute you CAN spend with him, you should. Same with Pili. Give them a chance to do their own bonding, too.

    And if you wanted to visit the wilds of Iowa on your way back, you’d be welcome here.

  21. Yes, what they all said. Go, and let her stay with the baby a few more days. There will be many times in the future where it’s a “one parent or none” situation, and I know that this is not nearly in the same universe as field trips and dance recitals, but it’ll be good practice. And she’ll get some extra bonding time, and it might be easier on HIM if only one at a time leaves, instead of both of you leaving him at the same time.

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