Hope is a plucked chicken

May 20, 2007 at 5:43 pm | Posted in AdoptThis!, Bringing Home the Bacon, The Other D (Better Living Through Chemistry) | 34 Comments

I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without posting before. Life has been… interesting. And not in a very good way.

For some reason I feel very embarrassed and ashamed about what I’m about to write about.  Things with the job in MUCDTR are not going so smoothly – it turns out that they have not been able to raise the money they need in order for me to start working there. They’re still trying their damndest and it’s possible that any day now the funding will come through. But for the moment, I wait. And fret. And stress.

In the meantime: I have given notice at my current job (although nothing has been done to replace me, and they would probably be very happy if I were to say I could stay longer) ; I just spent a lot of time at a professional conference telling everyone about my new job and how excited I am about it; and oh yes, did I mention that we have a contract on, and have put down a deposit of not an insubstantial amount of money on, a house in MUCDTR.

Insert head in sand. Scream.

I don’t really want advice or even sympathy and righteous indignation.  I feel like I deserve this.  I feel like I should have known better. That my old friend, the black cloud is still following me around and who am I to think I could actually have things work out for me.

This feeling is compounded by watching younger babies exit PGN ahead of our GB.  Intellectually I know that the fedex delay probably set us back a month, because it meant that our power of attorney arrived a week later than it should have and thus landed in the midst of the holiday black hole that is December in Guatemala. Intellectually I know that the whole fuckup with the DNA paperwork also cost us several weeks. Intellectually, I know that I did nothing to provoke either of these events. Just bad luck. Emotionally? I feel like we are doomed and Guatebaby is never coming home and I will never succeed professionally and why do I even bother?

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  1. (((artsweet)))

    So sorry, hon.

    • Feliz Navidad y Happy New yei!(!!rSa, un foquito mas y se veria ridicula 😉 No, no es nuestra casa. Me daria mucha flojera poner y quitar tanto foco, nosotros nomas pusimos dos series en el balcón. Tengo otra foto de otra casa que parece sucursal de Las Vegas… uf, no la puse porque creo que si exageraron, jeje)

    • Exactly how they can determine the extent of an emergency is the $64K question.C'mon, that's easy. Each of us is worth about 78 bucks and some change (depending on how healthy are innards are, cheap hooch and all that) and they're worth a lot more.

  2. I’m sorry all this shit is happening at the same time. I’ll echo Andrea’s {{{hugs}}} and say again that you don’t deserve this.

  3. More hugs. You don’t deserve this. No one does. I hope things provide an answer soon. One piece of assvice–you might be able to get out of your purchase contract w/ at least a good chunk of the deposit. Do a little digging on housing law in your city or consult a real estate attorney. Hugs again. I hope things get better soon.

  4. Artsweet

    Sorry you’re going through such a lousy time. I don’t want to give you any platitudes. I do think this will pass. And in the future you’ll look back and wonder how it seemed so bad.

    But it really stinks while you’re in the middle of it. I hope you get the green light for guatababy real soon.

  5. Art-Sweet,

    No, you do not deserve this stress.

    At. All.

    (((Hugs)))

  6. fuckidty fuck a duck!

  7. I hope things are better than they seem and that even if they’re not, that they get better really soon like…

  8. Crap. All of that sucks. As for GB…he will be home. I had many days of not believing that but I finally have a date and it DOES happen…eventually. Sorry it has been crappy lately.

  9. You do not deserve any of this, at all. But it does all suck. I’m sorry. xo

  10. I’m not going to give you any @ssvice, so I’ll just give you some hugs and call it good. ((hugs))

  11. *HUG*

    Hoping you get out of PGN hell soon.

  12. Keep on,keep going. This is the essence of life. The joyful times will come again. I am sure of it, as I am sure that you are Guatebaby’s mama!

  13. Oh, no. I am so sorry. More crap is totally uncalled for. May it all end swiftly and well.

  14. sorry
    hugs
    hope it passes real soon

  15. Oh, man that sucks! Here’s hoping this week brings some good news. Hugs!

  16. Ugh. Sounds miserable and rotten. I’m so sorry.

  17. No advice, sympathy or righteous indignation. What I have for you is a big ol’ plate of “buck up, camper!”
    Or maybe I should just smack you upside the head and say, why do you think you’re so special that someone would be paying attention and making sure that your life sucks at every turn? Sh*t happens. GB is your son and once you have him, all this waiting and PGNing and whatnot will be forgotten.

  18. I have so been where you are and the inconsolability is the worst. All that was going to make it better was my kid! I read this post yesterday and didn’t what to say because of course my sympathy (which you are not asking for) will not help. I remember many times being sure our first would never get here. PJ for some reason refused to have any doubts and he kept me going those 22 months. I swore I would never forget how awful it was and so far I have not. The second wait was not as hard because I knew it would happen. Just not when.

    And I admire you for even trying with the career thing. The depression and anxiety that the wait induces kept me from trying and here we are, in a financial pickle without significant options until the kids are in full time school and then it will mean starting again as if I am a high school graduate. At 50. Much as you are in self-blame place, you are stubbornly pressing forward and you can’t not. Even though it hurts, you can’t not. It’s good practice for parenting! And diabetes has been good practice for waiting, no?

    I know I am not helping. I hope I am not irritating with my buck up little camper comment. I care and that’s the most I can offer.

  19. Hi Art Sweet. I’ve been lurking around your site for a while now and just wanted to say hello and I’m sorry things suck so much at the moment. I hear you loud and clear – I am also struggling with the whole intellectually-not-my-fault and yet feels-like-my-fault-blame-myself-intensely thing. And diabetes, which I was diagnosed with a year ago at 28. And the pump, which I got a month ago and which decided to stop working last night and my BS was 326 this a.m. (Does the pump ONLY stop working after chocolate cake or…. am I missing something?) Long story short: Reading your site has helped me a lot over the past few months and I wanted to say thank you. And I wish it didn’t suck for you so much and I take comfort in knowing it won’t last forever.

  20. See this look on my face? It might LOOK like sympathy and empathy and righteous indignation. But it’s not. Oh no. It most definitely is not. It’s… uh… I don’t know what it is. But, you know, it’s not what you said you’re not asking for.

  21. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Good luck and don’t give up hope.

  22. See, I always thought that hope was a thing with feathers…A thing with feathers such as a turkey buzzard feeding on the roadkill that was me when we were waiting for our baby….

    Yours is coming. And I can’t wait for the day when you finally have him in your arms and the pain of waiting and hoping is past. As for job hopes, that just sucks. I’m sorry. And hoping for good news soon.

  23. I know the feeling all too well. However, you do NOT deserve this. And I too am hoping for better news soon.

  24. If a stranger’s vibe means anything- I have a vibe your funding will come thru and GB will come thru soon too.

    lurker/in a non-stalker way

  25. Hugs. And more hugs. And still more hugs.

  26. I’m giving hugs too. I want GB to come home to you too. It’s time. It’s beyond time. All the love…

  27. I am sorry everything is so screwy and annoying and hard. I can relate to having a lot of things going on all at once. It can truly make you miserable and crazy. I hope things start clarifying themselves really soon.

  28. day-um. what is WITH the universe?!?!
    So sorry for all of the sucky stuff. I hope funding comes through sooooon so that this extra helping of things to worry about can be gone.
    ugh.
    xo

  29. Geez: you can’t catch a break! Would that boatloads of comments could shake you loose from PGN!

  30. La la la. You and I both know our industry (why hello there, I just outed myself to you. Thank you and drive through!) suuuuucks for the whole stability, money, finances, coming through when they say they’re going to thing. To be suffering that on top of everything else is just mighty unfair.

    Hang in there. If things really hit the shitter on the job front, reach out to the folks you know in private sector who you saw at the conference and see who’s got work- there’s a talent shortage for freelancers.

  31. I am behind as usual, but I should add that I, too, am sorry about the shit and such. And I wanted be the first to acknowledge and praise your Emily Dickinson allusion, but someone beat me to it. Anyway, nice. Hang tough, girlfriend.

  32. I lireatlly jumped out of my chair and danced after reading this!


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