Artificially Sweetened

Advice Needed

Had a nice talk the other night with Posy’s (birth) grandmother. She apologized for not sending Xmas presents for Posy and P’ito and asked what they wanted/needed as she was going to send presents once she got her tax refund. We assured her that there wasn’t anything that they needed, but she was very determined and I wound up telling her a few things that they could use (Posy) or would like (Pito). She also wanted to know what we needed – same conversation, and she wound up insisting that she would send us a gift card for the Mart of Wal. I feel very conflicted about this – on the one hand, I know that C. needs the $ more than we do, and I don’t want her to spend $ on us. On the other hand, I feel like there is something very significant in her desire to give us presents – a balance of power issue, a sense of personal dignity – and I don’t want to infringe on that or step on her toes.

We didn’t send her any Xmas presents either, which I immediately felt guilty and horrible about, but I don’t celebrate Christmas, and don’t automatically think about sending presents, although I should have. Pili did send K. some $ to help her buy presents for herself/her kids, but I didn’t think about sending C. a present.

Now though, I am thinking about sending her a big present. I mentioned that we wanted to Skype with her so she could see Posy and P’ito, and she said she would need to coordinate with her son b/c his laptop is the only computer in the house now – her laptop broke. So I am thinking about buying a cheap(ish) laptop or tablet for her – stressing that it’s a gift for us too, b/c we want to be able to Skype with her.  But I am worried that it will seem like too much, or that she will feel pressured to reciprocate, and if I do it, I don’t know *when* to do it. Before she sends us presents? Which might make her feel pressured to actually send the presents, even if her tax refund isn’t as big as she’s anticipating. After? Neither?

Open Adoption Roundtable

So this is my first post in response to one of the Open Adoption Roundtable prompts.  The question is…

Are you approaching openness differently in 2013? What experiences from in the past year influenced you most?

I’m kind of skipping around because I haven’t finished writing Posy’s story – suffice it to say that we have a very open relationship with her birthmother, K – and a much more guarded one with her birthfather, B.  K, her mom, and I are all Facebook friends – she sees all my posts about Posy and frequently likes the pictures or anecdotes that I post.  We talk on the phone fairly frequently – at least for phone-phobic me it feels frequent!

I can’t say that I am approaching openness differently in 2013 than I did in 2012, because it’s all so new to us. I do know that my experience of openness in reality is so much richer and more beautiful than anything I had imagined pre-Posy.

Before we left the state where Posy was born, we were fortunate to be invited over to Posy’s birthgrandma’s house for a family party. We got to meet Posy’s great-grandparents and take pictures of them holding Posy.  These picture are things that I am so happy to be able to share with Posy (memo to self: external hard-drive back up – NOW).

And I guess that in my imaginings of openness, I had always imagined connecting with my hypothetical child’s birthMOTHER, but somehow, birthFATHERS were not part of my image of openness. And now we’re having to redefine openness to include Posy’s birthfather. One of the things that I am struggling with is that B would like us to visit. He has never met Posy, and he would like to meet her and have his family meet her. There are a thousand reasons why it is challenging for us to do this:

• We’re staggering from the legal bills associated with this adoption and its complications
• Once Pili goes back to work in a few weeks it will be hard to find the time for a cross-country trip until summer
• B has proven himself not to be the most reliable of people – I am nervous that we will make this trip and he will pick that week to have his phone break or his car die (all things that have happened to him multiple times in the course of our interactions with him) and simply not show up

The biggest question mark for me though, is a fear that K will feel pressured to see Posy if she knows we are bringing her to the city in which she lives. I need to talk to her about this, but I’m worried about how she will react. Prior to the adoption she said she wanted to make a clean break and have our communication be through her mom. That’s not how things have played out (and I’m happy about that) but I don’t know if she wants to see Posy in the flesh or have her other kids meet Posy. And I don’t think she’ll be thrilled that we’re making a big effort on B’s behalf.

So openness 2013 style is proving to be richer, better – and much more complicated – than I had ever imagined previously.

Returning

I haven’t blogged here in a long time. Facebook and other time sinks, blah blah blah.

But I’m feeling a need to be part of a community again, and so I’m reaching out. Specifically, I’m hoping to connect with other open adoption bloggers as Pili and I negotiate the process of being in an open adoption with Baby #2’s mother and father. Baby #2, who has a whole story I need to tell here.