Open Adoption Roundtable

January 9, 2013 at 10:24 pm | Posted in AdoptThis! | 2 Comments

So this is my first post in response to one of the Open Adoption Roundtable prompts.  The question is…

Are you approaching openness differently in 2013? What experiences from in the past year influenced you most?

I’m kind of skipping around because I haven’t finished writing Posy’s story – suffice it to say that we have a very open relationship with her birthmother, K – and a much more guarded one with her birthfather, B.  K, her mom, and I are all Facebook friends – she sees all my posts about Posy and frequently likes the pictures or anecdotes that I post.  We talk on the phone fairly frequently – at least for phone-phobic me it feels frequent!

I can’t say that I am approaching openness differently in 2013 than I did in 2012, because it’s all so new to us. I do know that my experience of openness in reality is so much richer and more beautiful than anything I had imagined pre-Posy.

Before we left the state where Posy was born, we were fortunate to be invited over to Posy’s birthgrandma’s house for a family party. We got to meet Posy’s great-grandparents and take pictures of them holding Posy.  These picture are things that I am so happy to be able to share with Posy (memo to self: external hard-drive back up – NOW).

And I guess that in my imaginings of openness, I had always imagined connecting with my hypothetical child’s birthMOTHER, but somehow, birthFATHERS were not part of my image of openness. And now we’re having to redefine openness to include Posy’s birthfather. One of the things that I am struggling with is that B would like us to visit. He has never met Posy, and he would like to meet her and have his family meet her. There are a thousand reasons why it is challenging for us to do this:

  • We’re staggering from the legal bills associated with this adoption and its complications
  • Once Pili goes back to work in a few weeks it will be hard to find the time for a cross-country trip until summer
  • B has proven himself not to be the most reliable of people – I am nervous that we will make this trip and he will pick that week to have his phone break or his car die (all things that have happened to him multiple times in the course of our interactions with him) and simply not show up

The biggest question mark for me though, is a fear that K will feel pressured to see Posy if she knows we are bringing her to the city in which she lives. I need to talk to her about this, but I’m worried about how she will react. Prior to the adoption she said she wanted to make a clean break and have our communication be through her mom. That’s not how things have played out (and I’m happy about that) but I don’t know if she wants to see Posy in the flesh or have her other kids meet Posy. And I don’t think she’ll be thrilled that we’re making a big effort on B’s behalf.

So openness 2013 style is proving to be richer, better – and much more complicated – than I had ever imagined previously.


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  1. I think we are rather open with A’s birth mother. She is our friend on FB, plus she’s T’s niece. I don’t see us being MORE open with her, unless she is able to see all of us this summer during a family trip. We have no relationship with A’s birth father. He has never met us, although he has seen us from afar. The official status is that birth father is unknown. I do not think we will ever pursue a relationship with him.

  2. It’s good to hear from you! And lovely to hear about Posy. The pictures are lovely.
    Re B I don’t have any advice, but I can see that it’s challenging. I hope you come to a place you’re comfortable with – I certainly don’t think you should do anything which involves expenditure you can’t afford or anything that might jeopardise the relationship w K.

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