Advice Needed

January 21, 2013 at 11:00 pm | Posted in AdoptThis! | 1 Comment

Had a nice talk the other night with Posy’s (birth) grandmother. She apologized for not sending Xmas presents for Posy and P’ito and asked what they wanted/needed as she was going to send presents once she got her tax refund. We assured her that there wasn’t anything that they needed, but she was very determined and I wound up telling her a few things that they could use (Posy) or would like (Pito). She also wanted to know what we needed – same conversation, and she wound up insisting that she would send us a gift card for the Mart of Wal. I feel very conflicted about this – on the one hand, I know that C. needs the $ more than we do, and I don’t want her to spend $ on us. On the other hand, I feel like there is something very significant in her desire to give us presents – a balance of power issue, a sense of personal dignity – and I don’t want to infringe on that or step on her toes.

We didn’t send her any Xmas presents either, which I immediately felt guilty and horrible about, but I don’t celebrate Christmas, and don’t automatically think about sending presents, although I should have. Pili did send K. some $ to help her buy presents for herself/her kids, but I didn’t think about sending C. a present.

Now though, I am thinking about sending her a big present. I mentioned that we wanted to Skype with her so she could see Posy and P’ito, and she said she would need to coordinate with her son b/c his laptop is the only computer in the house now – her laptop broke. So I am thinking about buying a cheap(ish) laptop or tablet for her – stressing that it’s a gift for us too, b/c we want to be able to Skype with her. ┬áBut I am worried that it will seem like too much, or that she will feel pressured to reciprocate, and if I do it, I don’t know *when* to do it. Before she sends us presents? Which might make her feel pressured to actually send the presents, even if her tax refund isn’t as big as she’s anticipating. After? Neither?

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  1. Awkward! I have no advice unfortunately, as we took the coward way out and let C’s caseworker tell her to back off on the presents. It was a bit much even though we understood where it was coming from.


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